What...why...

Right, so this isn't really a normal post. I just needed to get it out of me and I'm not entirely open with anyone where I am.

I'm currently in my "drinking prime". That's not to say that I'm an alcoholic, but like many students I take any opportunity for a good piss-up. It's been over a month since I was last out and I was dying for a night out. We went out tonight (Just got back, it's currently 4am). I wasn't particularly drunk to begin with, and I need to be drunk or this happens.

I'm kind of a queer. Transgender to be more precise. I'm not really sure of the details, but those seem kind of fitting right now. When I go out, if I'm not completely drunk, I end up looking around me and feeling jealously towards all of these girls around me. It's one of the strongest feelings I get, but not so strong that I hate the girls themselves. I just hate that I could never be like that. I need to physically turn away and take a deep breath, which sounds pathetic but it's true. I look up at the ceiling while I dance to avoid it.What's worse is I genuinely can't work out what's lust and what's envy anymore.

There's a girl. Since last September I'd say I've seen her AT LEAST every other time I go out on a night out. She has glasses, curly hair that comes to about half-way down her neck, parted with a slight side fringe and is on the slightly taller side for a girl. I'm completely captured by this girl - it takes so much effort to not just stop and stare, and I don't even know why. She isn't model material to anyone else, but to me she's the look of pure perfection. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Not envy or lust. But it's much stronger than what I've felt before.

I saw her tonight, and was quite sober, and it got to me.

I went out with 4 other people. A couple and two other friends. The couple went, leaving us three. One of them said to me that I could "get anyone here if I wanted" (which is completely untrue. I have no interest in many of the people except jealousy (god dammit, why am I always jealous?!) and even if I took interest, I'm environmentally aware enough to know that I look like a complete nerd. I think I take the cake for looking like a nerd. Also, I'm not sure whether he was trying to make me feel better since I was the only "straight" person out of the three - him and my other friend are both gay.) He went on to say that many people have been trying to get my attention as the night went on, but I didn't notice and was completely oblivious (to which my other friend laughed and agreed.). I don't know why this gets to me either.

Sorry about the "complain" post. It's just an example of what I feel on a night out. It kills me, it truly does.


B.