Woah, it's been a while. I'm back to my studies with an attitude like a sloth having a lazy day.
Have you ever experienced being an overbearing friend? It's quite an unusual feeling. Getting too involved tends to be a bad thing and the person you're focusing on will just end up slowly ignoring you. The options are to back off and be more casual, alienate yourself, stop hanging out with them, and maybe a few others. The obvious and correct answer is to be more casual. I've been on my own pretty much for about 2 weeks though, so got a bit too happy to have people to talk to and eventually got to the stage where I, to put it bluntly, shut the f*ck up. So for now I'm going to alienate myself. Just for a few days, to see how it goes.
I find myself at another crossroad in life where I can really make some changes - yes, it's the old "let's join new clubs!" time of the year. I've joined my usual sports clubs but something caught my eye in the shape of a rainbow logo. Is this the year I slowly make my way out of Narnia* and into the open world? Should I just announce "Sup guys, I have some changes to make" or something? I suppose what I'll decide will become apparent in the next 3 months. I'll try to keep you empty seats posts.
B.
*Disclaimer - I was having a little fun with humour, I'm not intending anything of what I say to be offensive.
I'm in two (or more!) moods about the idea of transitioning. The main off-putting reason is that there are simply so many reasons not to, and you'll never know if it's going to be good until you go through it (by which time it's too late.).
On the one side, it's something that I feel like I not only want, but need if I'm ever going to have happiness during my life. If that sounds dramatic, then good, that's what I was going for. I have no idea how I could explain it to someone who doesn't feel the same way. I would die the happiest human on the planet if I could transition and just live how a genetic female lives without people ever suspecting.
As a side note leading on from people suspecting, I want to point out that I don't personally agree in having pride in my sexually to an extent - what I want most is to live a quiet life as the gender that I feel like I am without abuse (which is due to my reserved nature, and is completely understandable.). I'm all for being proud of you as a person and if part of you is being GLBT and you want to show it then great. However, it's just not for me and if stereotypes come about - even from things that should be good for us in general like Pride Marches, then it's not going to help me any. I'm feeling really negative saying this, but with any other sexuality than being transgender it's actually very hard to tell without the person making it blatantly obvious, and transgender folk (who are transitioning/transitioned) can almost always be identified from how they look - for example, body shapes of people who didn't transition from a very early age (yes, it's harsh but this is what really bothers me.). I don't want to try and live a life as another gender if it's going to end up with people treating me as a stereotype - because I'd like to think I'm not a stereotype. I'm me.
So up to now, it's stay as a male, try and salvage some sort of happiness from my life and leave none the wiser. Alternatively, I could announce my transition - trying to find doctors, therapists/psychologists/whatever, and see if I still have friends and family to support me while I go from being obviously male to female with blatant male traits (so still fairly obviously male).
Not to mention there's things like love. Yes, I'm one of those soppy idiots that believes that stuff like that can exist (in some shape or form). I've found that whilst I'm reserved (so there's currently no one that's seen this side of me), I have a huge amount of love. It keeps cropping up when I'm around my friends or trying to help someone I'm close to, or even watching a moving piece on something I'm watching.
I feel like I need to share this. However, I've had girlfriends in the past and I honestly struggled so much with keeping it going when thinking stuff like "Why aren't I a girl?" (I was just coming into my own mindset back then), and it just got too hard to keep relationships going.
So yeah - I want to be a female, but I also find females attractive and whilst I seem to get a very slight "man-craving" rarely I don't find men attractive (I'm kinda struggling with the idea of being with a man. I only seem to be able to find them attractive very rarely, so I don't even know what's going on in my mind there.).
So to add to the pile of crashed cars that was my happiness issue, I now have a craving to find someone. Not only do I find girls attractive, but I also feel like I can't be with them, and I want to be one. It makes me wonder if things like hormones might affect my viewpoint towards men if I ever start getting some courage to start them - I've heard that they do sometimes affect "which way you lean", so to speak.
Well, there's my car-crash. Do with that what you will (provided I ever get any actual readers).
Contrary to the word at the top of my blog, I've been pretty busy. I've had exams and have more for the next week, so I probably won't be posting anything much. I'll be working on more misconceptions over the time though, so should hopefully have some more by the time I'm free for summer.
In the meantime, here's a completely unrelated picture. It has nothing to do with this post, but it's completely adorable.
Right, so once again I'm stuck for content. Since I really want to keep at this blog idea, I figured I'd try and explain some of the misconceptions about MtF trans.
1) Trans people are just homosexuals/lesbians who like dressing up in drag
Many tg (or transgender if you're really new at this) folk have different sexual preferences in the same manner that non-tg people have different preferences. This can lead to trans people being homosexual, lesbian, asexual, bisexual, or anything else under the 'brella. Some are both transgender and straight. Also, there is a difference between dressing up in drag and dressing as the opposite sex as a transgendered person. I'm pretty bad at explaining stuff, so here's a quote taken from Wikipedia:
"Drag queen (first use in print, 1941) are stereotypically viewed to be gay men that dress in drag, either as part of a performance or for personal fulfillment. Though a good portion who wear women's clothing are straight men, the term drag queen distinguishes them from transvestites, transsexuals or transgender people. Doing drag here often includes wearing dramatically heavy makeup, wigs and prosthetic devices as part of the costume. Females are called drag kings; however, drag king also has a much wider range of meanings. It is currently most often used to describe entertainment (singing or lip-synching) in which there is no necessarily firm correlation between a performer's deliberately-macho onstage persona and offstage gender identity or sexual orientation, just as biological males who do female drag for the stage may or may not identify as being either gay or female in personal identity. A faux queen is usually a woman doing traditional female drag in the same spirit as men have done."
To be honest, I don't feel like I've explained this one very well, but moving on.
2) People who dress as the opposite sex are nothing more than perverts that want to see that sex in sex-specific places such as bathrooms or gyms.
With the exception of being straight or bisexual (maybe other sexual minorities, I'm not well-read on issues such as classification, or even aware if there's a large scene on the internet/in my area) before the operation (if an operation is wanted), I can promise that most transgendered folk have no interest whatsoever in the sex they would share the bathroom with when they're in "trans mode" (sorry, it's late and I can't think of any easy way to put it). Think of it this way - if you go into the bathroom, you expect total privacy from everyone. This isn't a matter of "Well they aren't the same gender as me down there" or even "My gay friend might be checking me out", it's normal bathroom politeness to leave people to their own devices. And whilst they might be gay or they might not have the right parts yet, but they just want the same thing as you do - to relieve their bladder and get on with whatever they're doing.
Besides, for arguments sake, wouldn't a convincing mtf transgender person look A LOT less out of place in a women's bathroom than a man's bathroom?
To be honest, it's pretty late and I can't think of anything else to discuss due to being stupidly tired. Feel free to message me (anonymously if preferred) about questions or if I've made some error or insulted someone with my explanations. You've got to learn somehow right?
Right, so this isn't really a normal post. I just needed to get it out of me and I'm not entirely open with anyone where I am.
I'm currently in my "drinking prime". That's not to say that I'm an alcoholic, but like many students I take any opportunity for a good piss-up. It's been over a month since I was last out and I was dying for a night out. We went out tonight (Just got back, it's currently 4am). I wasn't particularly drunk to begin with, and I need to be drunk or this happens.
I'm kind of a queer. Transgender to be more precise. I'm not really sure of the details, but those seem kind of fitting right now. When I go out, if I'm not completely drunk, I end up looking around me and feeling jealously towards all of these girls around me. It's one of the strongest feelings I get, but not so strong that I hate the girls themselves. I just hate that I could never be like that. I need to physically turn away and take a deep breath, which sounds pathetic but it's true. I look up at the ceiling while I dance to avoid it.What's worse is I genuinely can't work out what's lust and what's envy anymore.
There's a girl. Since last September I'd say I've seen her AT LEAST every other time I go out on a night out. She has glasses, curly hair that comes to about half-way down her neck, parted with a slight side fringe and is on the slightly taller side for a girl. I'm completely captured by this girl - it takes so much effort to not just stop and stare, and I don't even know why. She isn't model material to anyone else, but to me she's the look of pure perfection. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Not envy or lust. But it's much stronger than what I've felt before.
I saw her tonight, and was quite sober, and it got to me.
I went out with 4 other people. A couple and two other friends. The couple went, leaving us three. One of them said to me that I could "get anyone here if I wanted" (which is completely untrue. I have no interest in many of the people except jealousy (god dammit, why am I always jealous?!) and even if I took interest, I'm environmentally aware enough to know that I look like a complete nerd. I think I take the cake for looking like a nerd. Also, I'm not sure whether he was trying to make me feel better since I was the only "straight" person out of the three - him and my other friend are both gay.) He went on to say that many people have been trying to get my attention as the night went on, but I didn't notice and was completely oblivious (to which my other friend laughed and agreed.). I don't know why this gets to me either.
Sorry about the "complain" post. It's just an example of what I feel on a night out. It kills me, it truly does.
How can we help people who consider themselves too broken to be fixed?
I don't have a full answer. Things like being a friend on that one occasion are good ways to help in the short term, but sometimes you need to look into why the person is like this.
I've witnessed several examples. One, a disorder. Second was my good friend having the weight of their world on their shoulders. Disease, responsibility, education. All had to be balanced to make sure they're the strongest they can be to help their family. Sometimes cracks show though, and it's come out on two occasions now.
I know the focus should be entirely on my friend, but here's where I struggle, and other people might too. You don't expect anything like this to even be associated with that person. How can this amazing person have so many troubles? I'm only being told this, but it's had me completely taken aback at the sheer strength of my friend to continue on and put such a front on that you wouldn't consider anything wrong. I become completely useless in the situations where people tell me deep or personal information - I revert to my quiet listening mode, stunned and not being able to think of anything to say. Yet, I get thanked for listening.
I've done nothing except give you the attention you deserve, don't thank me.
I still don't know how to help people with overwhelming problems, but believe me - when I learn how I'll share it with everyone.
The phrase "YOLO" is getting tossed around a lot these days (You Only Live Once). Whilst incredibly cheesy I'm starting to think into the meaning of it.
We really do only live once, to our knowledge anyway. I'm not saying go and break the law to have fun - how would you feel if someone was having a negative effect on you due to breaking the law? But really try to go out and enjoy yourself. Some people enjoy life in different ways - let them have their own methods and worry about focusing on your own. Who cares if that guy you talked to was gay - why are you judging him? You should be happy that he knows what he knows what he wants and move on to getting what you want from life.
Enjoy the little things. Rule 32 from Zombieland.
I adored Citrus Freeze Pepsi. Then they stopped selling that. I was sad about it for a little while, but then I found Cherry Pepsi - which ties with Citrus Freeze (so, so good.). However, I can find neither now. It's ok though, there'll be another brand out one day for me to enjoy and until then I can enjoy everything else I love but didn't drink when I was drinking those two drinks. (Yeah, this was a bad example, but y'know.)
And if life isn't currently going your way, then rule 13 - Shake It Off might be appropriate (though the wrong intended used of the rule haha.). Know that in most circumstances you hold the power to improve your own time here on our mud ball.
