On the one side, it's something that I feel like I not only want, but need if I'm ever going to have happiness during my life. If that sounds dramatic, then good, that's what I was going for. I have no idea how I could explain it to someone who doesn't feel the same way. I would die the happiest human on the planet if I could transition and just live how a genetic female lives without people ever suspecting.
As a side note leading on from people suspecting, I want to point out that I don't personally agree in having pride in my sexually to an extent - what I want most is to live a quiet life as the gender that I feel like I am without abuse (which is due to my reserved nature, and is completely understandable.). I'm all for being proud of you as a person and if part of you is being GLBT and you want to show it then great. However, it's just not for me and if stereotypes come about - even from things that should be good for us in general like Pride Marches, then it's not going to help me any. I'm feeling really negative saying this, but with any other sexuality than being transgender it's actually very hard to tell without the person making it blatantly obvious, and transgender folk (who are transitioning/transitioned) can almost always be identified from how they look - for example, body shapes of people who didn't transition from a very early age (yes, it's harsh but this is what really bothers me.). I don't want to try and live a life as another gender if it's going to end up with people treating me as a stereotype - because I'd like to think I'm not a stereotype. I'm me.
So up to now, it's stay as a male, try and salvage some sort of happiness from my life and leave none the wiser. Alternatively, I could announce my transition - trying to find doctors, therapists/psychologists/whatever, and see if I still have friends and family to support me while I go from being obviously male to female with blatant male traits (so still fairly obviously male).
Not to mention there's things like love. Yes, I'm one of those soppy idiots that believes that stuff like that can exist (in some shape or form). I've found that whilst I'm reserved (so there's currently no one that's seen this side of me), I have a huge amount of love. It keeps cropping up when I'm around my friends or trying to help someone I'm close to, or even watching a moving piece on something I'm watching.
I feel like I need to share this. However, I've had girlfriends in the past and I honestly struggled so much with keeping it going when thinking stuff like "Why aren't I a girl?" (I was just coming into my own mindset back then), and it just got too hard to keep relationships going.
So yeah - I want to be a female, but I also find females attractive and whilst I seem to get a very slight "man-craving" rarely I don't find men attractive (I'm kinda struggling with the idea of being with a man. I only seem to be able to find them attractive very rarely, so I don't even know what's going on in my mind there.).
So to add to the pile of crashed cars that was my happiness issue, I now have a craving to find someone. Not only do I find girls attractive, but I also feel like I can't be with them, and I want to be one. It makes me wonder if things like hormones might affect my viewpoint towards men if I ever start getting some courage to start them - I've heard that they do sometimes affect "which way you lean", so to speak.
Well, there's my car-crash. Do with that what you will (provided I ever get any actual readers).
B.
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